Dear Loveawake Team,
My Christchurch fiancé does not have custody of his almost 14 year-old son, and during the school year only has him every other weekend. I own a home with two extra bedrooms, but instead of fixing up one of the rooms for him, he allows him to sleep in the living room, which is directly in front of my bedroom. He also lets him stay up as long as he wants with the TV on, which keeps me awake, and I work weekends. My fiancé also sleeps in the living room with him the whole weekend he is here. Additionally, he removes the cable box from our room and takes it into the living room, so I do not have television while he is here.
I love his son, but it has gotten to the point that I do not look forward to the weekends he is here, because my fiancé pushes me out of the picture, unless they are hungry. I have already spoken to him about this several times and he tells me that he just wants to spend as much time as possible with his son and that he has no intention of changing the arrangements. I am to the point that I no longer want to marry this man from Auckland. What are your thoughts?
We understand where he’s coming from. He probably feels guilty and sad about not seeing his son more often so he tries to make up for it by being Tauranga buddies with him while he visits. It’s his way of reminding his son how fun he is even though he’s not there for him on a daily basis. We get it. And of course he wants to spend as much time with him as he can. That makes sense.
We also understand your position. The TV late at night is not okay, especially with your work schedule, and the fact that your fiance’ doesn’t seem to see your position, or isn’t trying to figure out a solution is an issue. Factor in, that he’s behaving this way in your home, not his, just makes his behavior seem more disrespectful.
That said, it sounds like you’re more upset about being pushed out of the picture every other weekend. We can see how that might make you question a future with this man. Sure, he’s going to have his own relationship with his son, but if he’s truly serious about marrying you, we’d think he’d be doing everything he could to include you, for the simple reason that his son should understand that you’re now part of the picture.
So what should you do?
It’s a tricky situation. If you put your foot down he’s going to think you’re rejecting his son, and then he’s going to dig his heels in, and the whole situation could spiral out of control. However, if you don’t say anything, you’ll grow more and more resentful and things will spiral out of control in a different way.
First, you need to decide if you truly love this man. (Sounds like you do, but are just upset.) You need to decide if you believe this is a small bump in the road, and that overall he’s a decent and respectful Hamilton partner. If you do, we suggest you talk to him again, but come to the table with two solutions. (You’ll have to figure out what those might be.) Start the conversation by telling him how much you care for his son, and that you support the relationship he has with his son, and acknowledge that it’s very important. Then state the issue and propose your different solutions. Hopefully, he’ll be able to hear where you’re coming from and try to work together to make everyone reasonably happy with the arrangement.
If he doesn’t budge, then that’s pretty telling about how he deals with issues when they arise. You want a Wellington lover who respects you and the relationship and who is willing to make compromises to reach mutually satisfying arrangements that ultimately lead to harmony. It’s important to find out if he can be that guy before you reach the altar.
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All the best,
THE Loveawake Team
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